Singles' Guide to Self-Amusement on Valentine's Day
No, it isn’t euphemism. Life doesn't have to be a drab without a significant other.
So, it's that magical time of the year again. Love is in the air, and couples are miraculously popping up to your left and right. Seems like Cupid has done everyone a favour. Except you.
But fret not! Don’t forget, you’re above all that. You are a strong independent man/woman/apache helicopter who needs no partner to affirm your value. Or so you say. Deep down, you've been dreading for this day to come (you wouldn’t have clicked on this link otherwise, would you?). For those single by choice (not necessarily your own), this writer has got your back with some out-of-the-box #lifehacks.
How do I maketh this wretched day more entertaining? Let me count the ways:
0900 hours. You wake.
Most self-proclaimed ‘experts’ on the internet will tell you that social media is the bane of society. This writer disagrees. Go ahead, scroll through blissful couples sharing their intimate moments on this day of love. Don’t get mad at them for smearing their happiness on your face. Just leave a troll comment or two from the comfort of your SINGLE bed.
“What a lovely picnic you are having in Botanic Gardens. Hey, that looks like the bush that I once took a dump in before.”
“I was happy like you guys. Once.”
On the topic of social media, Facebook is now flooded by friends who think it is funny to advertise ‘Hire _________ as your boyfriend/girlfriend”. Why not respond to their ads, then!
“I only need three minutes, can I get a discount?”
“Unlimited kiss on the cheeks, lips? Which cheeks and which lips?”
Try your luck with Tinder as well. No harm in that. Your best bet will be with one of your previous hook-ups. Let’s just hope it doesn’t end up this way:
As Donald Trump puts it oh-so-eloquently, "sad."
1100 hours. Why is everyone in pairs?
Oh, look at the hoards of people holding their beautifully-arranged bouquets of flowers. Well, they won’t be happy for long. Shamelessly approach each one of them, yelling, “So you like gathering the severed reproductive organs of plants to represent your love? You monster.” Leave them in a trail of bewilderment and guilt.
If they are holding flowers, they should be carrying chocolates. Because our highly-evolved society dictates us to participate in such banal traditions. Like the previous pointer, approach people and go, “SHOULD you be eating those?” Follow up with a brief awkward pause and gaze disparagingly up and down the person.
Who am I to argue with facts?
1300 hours. Lunch time.
Doesn’t the new KFC Chizza look titillating in their glossy advertisements? Why not stand in line for half an hour to get your hands on one. Once you finally have it, dismay at the sordid greasy mess - a fitting metaphor for your love life. What’s more, their questionable chicken has been cleverly crafted in the shape of a heart, which doubles up as the replacement organ that you will need once your arteries have clogged up beyond repair.
This message is endorsed neither by KFC nor its competitors.
If your life has pineapple toppings, it probably sucks.
1400 hours. Knowledge is power.
Now that lunch is all settled at the expense of health, head down to Kinokuniya. Pick up the greatest fictional masterpiece in the history of the written word - Fifty Shades of Grey. Make sure to not just leaf through the novel, but read intensively. Snort, giggle, and moan audibly often, especially when you notice someone walking past you. But please, stop short at touching yourself. Have some decorum. You wouldn’t want the staff to throw you out - or worse, make you buy the book, would you?
Me too, Mr. Grey, me too.
1600 hours. Cue "Eye of the Tiger".
Grab your towel and head to the gym. After all, the Chizza will take weeks to burn off. No one with a date will be at the gym today. By this logic, the gym will be swarming with hot-bodied athletes who are single and ready to mingle, right? Right!?
This week on ‘Things That Never Happened’...
Looks like every creepy dweeb in the neighbourhood has had the same idea as you! In an attempt to brush yourself away from the sausage fest, you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. Run home in tears and cry for days.
1700 hours. Make friends!
As with everything else, Japan is ahead of the curve when it comes to dating. Until Singapore keeps pace with Japanese technological development, we will have to make do with more primitive methods. Grab a marker and a balloon. Inflate the latter and draw a smiley face on it. Give it an adorable name, like Bobby. You now have your very own inflatable date. Remember to introduce him to everyone you meet on the street. What do you mean Bobby isn’t real?
There, there. Even Ryan Gosling couldn’t get Emma Stone
to go out with him either.
1900 hours. Take me out tonight.
Sure, most restaurants will be fully packed. But that shouldn’t stop you from trying to get a seat in one of them. Slip the maître d’hôtel a generous tip, and insist that Bobby is your date. Get one of the heavily-marked up Valentine's Day set meal for two and have both portions to yourself. If you catch anyone staring, state matter-of-factly that “Bobby isn’t hungry today.”
UPDATE:
Due to your inability to walk like a decent human being after dinner, you lose your balance and slip. You collapse on the floor as you watch Bobby float away into the distance. Like your ex, he doesn't want to be tied down either.
2100 hours. All you need is love.
Everyone knows that Singapore is land-scarce and we don’t have many spots for some good old-school romancin’. Expect every bench in Gardens by the Bay and the Marina Bay area to be occupied by lovebirds. And no, they won’t be giving up their seat to someone in need any time soon. Hide in a nearby bush or bin and observe them with stealth. Just as they are about to lean in and get down to business, creep behind, lean in between both of them and whisper tenderly, “Bojio.” Snigger and run off.
My love for you are like these trees - artificial.
2300 hours. All in a day’s work.
Well done, you. You have gone through the ordeal of Valentine’s Day with nary a scratch. Time to curl up in bed with the boyfriend pillow that you got last Valentine’s Day and engage in some well-deserved (self) Netflix-and-chill. Put on a Valentine’s Day classic movie, like, erm, Valentine’s Day. Or maybe a horror film with the lights turned off. You probably won’t feel so alone anymore after that.
If you get this, you should understand why you’re single by now.
After all, you can’t expect people to love you if you don’t love yourself first.
From all your fellow singles here at The Bullet, Happy Valentine’s Day!
