The Bullet Rates Welfare Packs
NUSSU is Packin’.
If we have one rule here at The Bullet (or any rules to begin with), it would be: “Free Must Take, Cheap Must Buy.” It’s Week 13 in NUS, and Welfare Pack season has befallen us. At the end of every semester, the folks over at NUSSU (nope, this is not a paid article) are kind enough to bestow us with with material gifts in the hopes of making the wretched semester a little more bearable.
Daddy Marx would scorn in the face of welfare packs.
Abandoning our commitments to group projects and 40%-weighted assignments, we gleefully made a beeline for the Faculty Welfare Pack Distribution Centres to claim what is rightfully ours.
But not before slaloming through some tricky survey questionnaires. It does speak volumes of how self-centred NUS students are—that we need to be bribed just to squeeze out an ounce of feedback that could potentially aid in improving student life on campus. But then again, looking at how the survey resembles a North Korean election ballot slip, one can see why no one is willing to participate in this task voluntarily.
Leading me on, like that girl on Tinder last Tuesday.
Anyway, here’s what we think after rummaging through the loot:
1) Bag, Laminated Paper, String Handles x 01
Who's your Daddy?
This author’s mum warned him about judging a pack by its cover, but he’s going ahead with it anyway. It seems like NUSSU has stuck to its North Korean theme when designing their bag. Emblazoned with a portrait of the NUSSU President that even Uncle Kim can be proud of, no one can say that NUSSU is a faceless organization.
Aesthetic Appeal: Mr. President’s Tinder account would probably be a better gauge of the aesthetic appeal.
Usability: Still nicer than those Anello bags.
Portability: What do you expect, it’s a bag.
Dodginess Factor: “All the BEST for your exam (sic).” Grammar seems to take a back seat among the other more urgent messages.
Overall Rating: 2.5/5
2) Snacks, Cheap, Assorted x 05 (probably a lot more than just five; the attrition rate on my way home was pretty high)
Who's your Mamee?
What’s a welfare pack without a fistful of random sodium-laden snacks (HALAL, so that’s awesome) with dubiously distant expiry dates? The instant noodle pack was a pleasant surprise for us, but the sponge chocolate roll from a prominent European capital is the one that really takes the cake. Perfect for stress-eating at 4 am, or for the obnoxious chewer in the quiet study areas.
Aesthetic Appeal: The packaging may be garish, but anything for a whiff of nostalgia.
Usability: Rip it open and stick your fingers in. (we have received angry letters for our sexist jokes in earlier posts, so we’re not doing any now.)
Portability: As light as how you should take our jokes.
Dodginess Factor: Bee-Bee is the opiate of the masses.
Overall Rating: 3.5/5
3) Mask, Face, Nourishing x 01
Nourish me, Daddy.
Took this writer a while to understand what this pink slip was, with all that going on. Looks like that kind of facials that my girlfriend would actually do. Probably overselling its capability to make my face flourish; FAITH IN FACE would definitely not have faith in my face after seeing mine. It’d better make me look like Idris Elba (or insert your favourite celebrity) after this treatment.
Aesthetic Appeal: Pretty in Pink, but uses an *UNBELIEVABLE* number of fonts.
Usability: Has helpful indents at the edges to help the idiot in you figure out how to open the packaging.
Portability: As flat as the ends of the train at Joo Koon.
Dodginess Factor: Olive oil and Broccoli? Not sure if it’s a recipe for disaster.
Overall Rating: 2.5/5
4) Tissue Packet, Bifold x 01
If you're not her type, the tissues can be put to good use in other ways.
Possibly the quintessential symbol of what it means to be Singaporean, with the NUH stamp of approval on it. What’s more, this Transformer-esque tissue packet has a clever design that allows you to spread it out and chope TWO tables at once.
Aesthetic Appeal: BRIGHT. COLOURS. Also, 5/7 pun.
Usability: Equipped with strategically-placed adhesive tapes to ensure that your pieces of tissue do not come out at inappropriate moments like how Kevin Spacey did.
Portability: Is that a bifold tissue packet in your trouser pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Dodginess Factor: Anything with a QR Code can’t be dodgy, right PayLah?
Overall Rating: 4.5/5
5) Mouthwash, Purple x 01
I’ll gargle and spit, Daddy.
Not sure what NUSSU is getting at by handing out mouthwash to us. Perhaps this will be more appropriate to the girl next to you during that 8am lecture. Or to freshen the breath of that group member after his incessant verbal diarrhea. Either way, this certainly is a bizarre item to put in a welfare pack.
Aesthetic Appeal: Looks like Ant-Man meddled with the actual mouthwash bottle.
Usability: Too much plastic for something that can only be used three times at best.
Portability: Size doesn’t matter, as what my ex-girlfriend used to say.
Dodginess Factor: Total Care: Zero. Sums up my attitude this semester.
Overall Rating: 2/5
6) Feminine Hygiene Product, Sanitary Napkin, Ultrathin x 01
Menstruation jokes are distasteful. Period.
Another useful item in the pack. Also the only item that has the potential to get girls to finally talk to those desperate guys in Engeineering out there. Just a Bullet Top Tip: do not scribble your phone number on the pad before passing it to the female in question.
Aesthetic Appeal: Back in black. But do all periods spiral out like a tornado? (Asking for a friend).
Usability: If only the 3X ABSORPTION works for my late night studying.
Portability: It’s ULTRATHIN. NUFF SAID.
Dodginess Factor: Living it large with the high-end Luxe line of feminine hygiene products.
Overall Rating: 4.5/5
7) Guide, Mental Health, Youth x 01
We thought that this was the most useful item in the whole pack. With its unassuming packing, anyone could easily lose it within the swarm of the aforementioned snacks, or chuck it away with the stack of useless vouchers. Nevertheless, this guide is worth a quick read. The Community Health Assessment Team (CHAT) has packed it with useful information, such as a quick guide to helping a friend in distress, or emergency contacts for more pressing matters.
Aesthetic Appeal: Could dial back with its slightly tacky design.
Usability: Surprisingly, the pack consists of three cards, each cascading into 5 sections.
Portability: A pocket-sized guide makes it really handy-dandy.
Dodginess Factor: Didn’t think I’d need to fill in this section.
Overall Rating: 4.5/5
Bet you didn’t see this sharp turn to sobriety in this article, did you?
The Bullet Campus Team wishes everyone the best in the upcoming final exams. We recognize that university life may be stressful at times, but there are always avenues to reach out if you are in need, or if you know anyone else in need. For example, one can reach CHAT at 6493 6500/1, or at chat@mentalhealth.sg.
For everything else, call Al-Amaans at 6774 0637.
Received anything out of the ordinary in your welfare pack? Shout out to us at thebulletcampus@gmail.com, and while you’re at it, check us out on Instagram at @thebulletcampus!
