OPINION: How Is Bash Still A Thing?
The Bullet Bashes Bash Unabashedly.
Here at The Bullet, we like to question the frivolous and the banal around the campus. Which is why we have began this new segment, HOW IS __________ STILL A THING?
Fresh into the semester, there are few other topics that can rival the very concept of Bash itself. Bash, as you may or may not know, is a pageant-like competition organised by some halls and faculties. Think of it as a Miss Singapore Beauty Pageant:
Okay, maybe not.
You may have had experienced a Close Experience with the Buay Hiao Bai (shameless) Kind- a Facebook acquaintance sending out a desperate plea to like a topless picture of him posing awkwardly so he stands a chance to be Mr. You-Tried. You gave him a courtesy like anyway, but deep down, you wonder, How Is Bash Still A Thing? (roll credits!)
Put aside the pseudo-intellectual arguments about how it encourages superficiality, or how it sets this bastion of education that upholds progressiveness (hah) back by a couple of centuries. Let’s get real for a second and be a little more pragmatic in our line of questioning, shall we? It is, after all, the Singapore Way.
However, if you’re interested to delve in the aforementioned debate, The Ridge provides a marginally-insightful opinion piece for you to reflect on this:
Hope in humanity restored.
Also found in The Ridge:
Never mind. As you were, dear reader.
How is this a Freshman Orientation Activity (FOA)?
First off, let's play the numbers game. Most faculties have an intake of a few hundred, maybe over a thousand freshmen annually. Now take a look at the total number of participants in Bash. That's a whopping total of ten, yes, TEN freshmen who are contestants in this pageantry. So that's right, Bash needs to stop masquerading itself as a Freshman Orientation Activity if it only seems to focus on Contestants M1-F5 (and how dare they assume the existence of only TWO genders).
Let’s also keep in mind the ridiculous amount of resources poured into Bash. You have a committee who has to work tirelessly behind the scenes just to scout potential contestants (a little creepy, if you ask me), grovel for sponsorships, and book a venue (Zouk, where else) for ten people to prance around for a couple of hours and get a couple of unqualified judges to grade them on a completely arbitrary metric. And don’t forget dragging the contestants’ friends from all six degrees of separation to fork out twenty five bucks just to stand awkwardly around a makeshift runway. Hell, I can watch a Hall Production and still have enough left to get flowers.
To the inattentive reader: FOA stands for ‘Freshman Orientation Activity’. You’d think I wouldn’t have to spell that out after referencing that in the title, but our readers come from a diverse range of reading abilities.
So, what do they actually do in BASH?
Good question. They typically begin with some light foreplay. And by that I mean trailers and photo shoots to drum up the publicity for the competition (playing fast and loose with the word ‘competition’ here). Scroll through any Bash photo album and you’ll likely to spot an uncomfortable neck tilt, an awkward hover hand, or just an obnoxious sprawl on an “aesthetically pleasing” grass patch. If you’re lucky, you might get a glimpse of a wet t-shirt. But how do they take such fabulous shots? The key here is to exploit fellow students who are also budding photographers on the side for their free labour.
Admittedly, they do look better than some wedding photos.
Much has already been said about the notorious Orientation Camps (mostly by us), but our award-winning local news outlets (ownself award ownself, mind you) have yet to pick up on the ridiculity of this whole circus. You have the contestants playing random mini games and answering silly questions in various states of undress, you would think you’re back at Camp (before the clamp-down), playing Seven Wonders, Burning Bridges and (allegedly) Gege Meimei. At least there are opportunities galore to snap an unglam picture of your contestant friend to add it to your Telegram sticker pack.
After these shenanigans, we reward them by adorning sashes and garlands. Everyone gets to win something, you can’t possibly just crown the King and Queen and just go home, right? Mr. Big Nose and Ms. Hairy Back deserve some recognition too. Anyway, I’d probably have more fun doing that in a siam diu (that’s a Thai disco for you cultured folks out there).
And they love you long time.
Bored of the bikinis, the beach shorts, and the incessant wolf-whistling? Fret not, for your twenty-five dollar ticket entitles you to an entry to the fabulous After-Party (and after the party it’s the hotel lobby), where you’ll spend the whole night desperately trying to grind the newly-crowned hall/faculty queen. At the end of the night, you’ll probably settle for Ms. Absorbent (brought to you by Tampax) anyway.
Two years down the road, you’ll probably meet Mr. King in a lecture, and you wonder how his Six-Pack could migrate upwards to become Six-Chins so quickly.
Lucky you, you’re consistently fat and ugly.
Mind you, this is an unfair assessment of Bash and Pageants on the author’s admission. You might find that this author is salty af because he never stood a chance to participate in it. But what do you do, with a face that’s less Bash, and more Kena-Bash.
-
Are you a Bash Apologetic? Or do you think Bash is a waste of time and money? Let us know your thoughts at thebulletcampus@gmail.com!
Hit us up on Instagram @thebulletcampus as well for more dank memes and semi-nude photos of us (only one of this is true, and there's only one way to find out).
About The Author
The PUNisher is a student at the University with the Best Campus Life. He’s anorexic, agnostic, and was abused as a kid; so Eat, Pray, Love is definitely not an option. He likes pina coladas and getting songs stuck in people’s’ head. The PUNisher has had his calling in life, but unfortunately left it to voicemail.
