The Bullet's Guide To Securing A Boyfriend/Girlfriend Before Graduation
Finding love in a hopeless place.
For those of you single year 4 students out there who are currently anticipating graduation in the following year (or dreading it, because who's gonna hire us NUS students with good academic qualifications but such dismal career preparation skills?), it is time to address the elephant in the room during this critical period of transition from "young, dumb, and broke" to full grown-ass adulthood. You must be wondering, at some point: great, now that I've (almost) gotten my degree, who am I going to spend the rest of my adulthood with?
You may not admit it, but you're beginning to sound like one of those overly-inquisitive aunties of yours at CNY gatherings, anxiously probing about your future, the job you are bound to have, when you are finally going to settle down with a partner, etc., except that this is now the voice in your head. But since we already know that NUS students are fucked in the career department (because, you know, we are not National MANAGEMENT University of Singapore, so we can't manage shit), let's turn our focus to the other resolvable pressing issue at hand, shall we?
You need a boyfriend/girlfriend in your life. You know you do. Because there is nothing in life that will provide you with the warmth, stability, and security that a significant other can offer you. And by warmth, stability, and security, I am talking about the unspeakable peace you will enjoy once your relatives at CNY shut up about your lacking a partner, your parents no longer nagging and worrying about your future "happiness". I am talking about the eligibility to apply for a BTO (our very own uniquely Singaporean version of a marriage proposal) so you no longer have to tolerate living under the same roof as your parents. I am talking about the feeling of knowing that there is someone in this world that will possibly sacrifice his/her freedom to spend the rest of your life with you till death, because there is nothing worse in this world than the state of being alone.
At The Bullet, we fully anticipate and understand these deep concerns you have, and we have taken it upon ourselves to dish out some real advice to securing a significant other, nowhere else but in NUS itself.
1) Stay on campus
If you haven't already, it's not too late to enjoy that once-in-a-lifetime 24/7 on-campus experience, where the chances of you being exposed to and in contact with potential love interests multiply manifold. Join a Residential College, or better yet, a hall, where you get to participate in those sneaky dating games that pair you up with someone of the opposite sex. This is great because you don't even have to do the work of scouting for a potential love interest, your partner gets directly assigned to you, without any effort whatsoever on your part in scouting for one. A free matchmaking service, if you will. Unfortunately this doesn't work if you are gay, or non-Chinese (remember that KR dating incident?)
You may wonder if it is seriously worth spending all that money to be stuck in this sad, sorry excuse of a home just to increase your chances of meeting the love of your life, but you will not regret this once you've had that long-awaited exciting steamy bedroom rendezvous. Truly a once-in-a-lifetime campus experience. After all, it is true that you only need a very small space to have sex...
Just remember to draw the blinds and refrain from yelling any explicit profanities. Your neighbours don't need to know if you'd prefer being called an emperor or not during love-making.
2) Join a CCA
Forget about that cute boy or girl you've been eye-candying from afar in that lecture theatre of 500 students. They are probably way too busy scrambling to take down every single word that the lecturer is saying ad verbatim (or playing that dumb University Lecture Drinking Game to ease the pain of Friday lecture slots) to notice you looking at them. Ain't nobody got time fo' love so you gotta make time for it, and it has got to be outside of class. What better conditions under which romance may flourish than in a CCA - the only time NUS students do not have their face in their books! Pro-tip: choose a CCA that involves maximal body contact, such as a sport or a performing art (horizontal hula, anyone?), because sometimes all you need is a touch, to ignite that spark and keep your blood pumping and juices flowing (we're talking about doing physical exercises and like, dancing, right?!)
Just keep whatever it is within OSA's standards, you don't want them spending more money on more drones, for fuck's sake.
And for the religious, to accommodate your preferences, NUS boasts a variety of what is called the "Community Engagement Programme Network" to promote the awareness of various faiths. There's a society for Buddhism, Hinduism, two societies for Catholicism, and a total of THREE societies for Christianity, sweet Jesus! Now this is true divine intervention. A match made in heaven! At least that's what you can tell your pastor.
3) Try a change of environment
Feeling stifled by a limited variety of choices at your faculty? We understand. It's not like everyday in school you are greeted by an array of dazzling bash-material beauties (most of them aren't even cute). Sometimes the grass is just greener on the other side. Or sometimes, there is simply more grass on the other side. Yes, we're talking about you heterosexual males from Engineering. We know your pain of being in a faculty where 90% of the population is the same sex as you. Fret not, for as someone once said, if there aren't enough fish in the sea, it's probably time to explore other seas (actually we said this). Maybe it's time to venture into unchartered territory. Take a trip to FASS just across the road, known to be home to the most exquisite-looking ladies who dominate the population. Just some advice: ditch those flip-flops and that dry-fit rag and flag tee from your freshman year and put on something decent if you want to impress. But as for you thirsty heterosexual girls out there, we can't promise the same about the Engineering boys. :)
4) For the lonely gays
Before you SJWs call us out for being heteronormative, calm down. We have a solution for you if you happen to fall under the LGBTQIAWTFBBQZZZ category. Ever heard of the G-Spot and Inter-University LGBT Network? No, we’re not talking about that highly erogenous area situated in your nether regions (that’s a myth). We’re referring to a Yale-NUS Gender and Sexuality Alliance which seeks to promote diversity and inclusivity and to create a safe space for support, education, and activism in issues of gender and sexuality. In fact, this collective is subsumed under a larger Inter-University LGBT Network which also comprises representatives from four other student groups: namely, Freedom from Tembusu College, the Gender Collective from USP, Kaleidoscope from NTU, and Out To Care from SMU. Yeah, so what if we no longer are the first in Asia? At least we can pride ourselves on being the most inclusive university in Singapore. Academic achievements aren't everything, you know. In fact, for you queer NUS students, you'd be pleased to know that NUS Qtown (comprising the three NUS student groups) organises a Q-rientation event each year, so here’s your chance to meet fellow thirsty and sexually repressed individuals like yourself.
5) Revisit old flames
If all else fails, and if you're desperate enough, there's always that thirsty guy from your year 1 GEK tutorial group who tried to ask you out but whom you politely rejected to "focus on your studies". There's probably a 80% chance he is still single and trying to mingle at his wit's end. Or that shy "special partner" of yours from your OG who had a crush on your non-committal freshie ass back in year 1. Maybe it's time to re-ignite that good ol' ge ge mei mei flame that OSA has so effectively extinguished. After all, won't you settle for anything just to feel like you're not alone?
Find our suggestions too inorganic for your hopelessly romantic soul? Well, I'm sorry to break it down to you but life is not a Nicholas Sparks novel. However, if you do have more exciting passion-filled campus romances you're aching to share with us, feel free to contact us at thebulletcampus@gmail.com! And remember to hit us up on Instagram @thebulletcampus for very organic memes.
