The Great Wayang: University Open Houses
We Figure Out What Open Houses Are Really Trying To Tell You
I love University Open Houses. They’re awesome. They bring out giant block letters spelling out catchy slogans, cheerleaders flopping about at the centre stage, hundreds of booths covering every little aspect of university life all over the place. The glistening campus is brimming with positivity and vigour. And of course, the freebies.
Would you like a USB cable or a paper fan?
Yes.
Belinda Carlisle must have attended a local university, because Heaven is a place on Earth
And yet, something always feels a bit off about these pompous promotional campaigns. For one, there seems to be an excess of balloons all around. And freakishly disproportionate mascots. Why are they enticing prospective students the same way a parent of a toddler would? And what’s with all the strange smiling and larking about, have they all been poisoned with Smylex by The Joker? And surely not EVERY part of the campus has a nice manicured lawn or award-winning buildings shaped like dim sum baskets?
The Din Tai Fung School of Culinary Mediocrity
Universities also like to confuse and confound you by throwing you delectable buzzwords that don’t actually reveal much about themselves. Kind of like Tinder where half the people love music and are wanderlusts. As we go through this yearly ritual once again, let us decode what the universities are actually trying to say.
What They Say: Vast Learning Opportunities
What They Actually Mean: We’re going to put you through an unnecessarily convoluted process that leaves you writhing in despair as the department rejects your appeal to bid for your core modules. Because f*** you, that’s why. But wait, don’t forget to do your electives to ensure that we provide a 'holistic' education for you. Getting the planets aligned is a more common occurrence than landing an optimal timetable.
Spring 2017: The Fault in Our Schedule
But why bother with the hassle, we know that you skip your lessons anyway. Which brings us to…
What They Say: Conducive Learning Environment
What They Actually Mean: Our professors and teaching faculty members will try their best to not put you to sleep by reading off the slides. We’re not actually that bothered with their pedagogy as long as they publish enough to uphold the reputation of our institution. We’ll also remind them to assign unnecessary group projects that partner you with spawns of Satan to encourage teamwork (see 'holistic' education). And since we know that you should spend your precious time attending lectures and completing assignments, we’ll ensure that the canteens and eateries are flooded with hordes of other hungry students so that you’ll have to queue for an hour for your nasi ayam.
They won’t be smiling anymore once they see the final exam
What They Say: Vibrant Campus Life
What They Actually Mean: You’ll probably be stuck here for 15 hours a day during the second half of the semester. You’ll be one of the many lifeless zombies clogging up the library during Finals Week as well. And you won’t be surprised if you find that someone has pitched a tent there. You will also need to join a school activity or stay on campus on the pretense of making your weary life here a little better. For the latter, remember to sell your kidney and to take part in 37 CCAs to affirm your spot in the waiting list to continue staying in the next year.
If you look carefully, they’re all just one person
What They Say: State-of-the-Art Facilities
What They Actually Mean: We have just about enough in our coffers to spruce up this corner of the campus so that we have a space to host our annual Open Houses. Try not to scratch away at this thin veneer. You don’t really want to see the rest of it. Truth is, we barely have enough functional tables and chairs to go around these crumbling buildings, yet we spend money on giant block letters on the lawn so you can take your selfie with it. And you won’t be using these smart classrooms nor this swanky auditorium for the better part of your time here. You’ll also be better off walking to your classes instead of attempting to squeeze onto the buses that marginally qualify as a campus shuttle service. And look, we have this amazing infinity pool that you’ll never have the time to use because you’re too busy living out your “vibrant campus life”.
Zero-energy buildings for zero-energy students
What They Say: Global-Mindedness and Forward Thinking
What They Actually Mean: While we may have a vast number of exchange students and any point in time on campus, you will probably never initiate a conversation with them. Even if you do, it will be an excellent opportunity to showcase your bigotry and ignorance.
Oh you’re from Romania, that’’s where Dracula lives right? *nervous laughter*
Then proceed to get offended at people who have never heard about Singapore when you go on exchange (if you even manage to get your application through). Or return as an annoying prick who has “seen the world”.
Ah yes, the obligatory grass patch shot complete with students of different nationalities
What They Say: Limitless Career Opportunities
What They Actually Mean: We’re gonna sit you through contrived classroom lectures that teach you to “ace your interviews”. And we’re going to pit 500 students against you for that meagre 10 summer internship slots. Maybe we should take a leaf from The Hunger Games. Anyway, the degree that we’re offering you is so generic, you can lower your expectations as far down as the bottom of the barrel can go.
Look, you’re on your own now #notmyproblem