I Tried 5 Different Dating Apps So You Don’t Have To
And kids...This is the story of how I met your mother.
Oh dating apps. We love 'em, we hate 'em, we download them, we hide them in the depths of our most inconspicuous folder, we meet someone from there, we introduce them as ‘a friend’s friend’. Whatever you feel about them, we are almost certain that they will still be here to stay. Even if you deem yourself to be too special of a snowflake to search from a normal pool of normal humans, niche dating apps have got your back, such as Farmers Only (for farmers only, we shit you not), Sizzl (bacon lovers unite), and Tall Friends (for tall people).
(Un)fortunately, we here at The Bullet are neither farmers, nor bacon lovers, nor tall. We decided to dive into the most popular and mainstream (see: normal) dating apps and proceeded to test them out for a week before reviewing it for you (you’re welcome).
Tinder
Undoubtedly the most widely used dating app, I believe Tinder needs no further introduction. What used to be an app hidden deep inside the “Others” folder on your phone has transformed from a secret source of shame to your favourite toilet pastime. All you need is to log on using your Facebook account, select up to 6 photos and write a bio under 500 characters. It’s straightforward and fairly easy to use, which probably helps to explain why there were so many weirdos alternative personalities on this site as well.
If you’re decent looking you wouldn’t need to have a profile like this.
??????
Unfortunately the large user base also means that it is harder for you to stand out.
How many variations of "Hey!" can there possibly be? The limit does not exist.
However, with the simplicity of the app and the large user base, we rate Tinder:
4/5 BOOTYCALLS
Hater
An app that matches you to people based on what you hate? SIGN US UP! Nothing bonds two people like a common disdain or hatred. In fact, we even hated how excited we were to try this out.
Hater gives you topics and you swipe in the direction of how you feel about it (like, love, dislike, hate) and then churns out profiles with a percentage on how similar your hatred is. You then do the good ole’ Tinder swipe to see if you want to match them or not.
Who would possibly hate this? These haters don’t know the price of being famous.
This must be true love.
However, a few days spent on this app did not lead to any meaningful conversations (too much hatin’, too little talkin’!). The number of users in Singapore also seemed to be too sad to function.
We rate Hater:
2/5 BOOTYCALLS
Happn
Happn tracks where you have been and finds people that you may have walked past and spilled your soup onto. Seriously. It creeped us out a little.
We didn’t manage to find anyone that we crossed paths multiple times with, nor did we find the profile of the hot guy giving out goodie bags at the open house (link to article). Honestly, we were a little bummed.
We did find a cool little feature though:
Taking the meaning of “open jio” to a whole new level.
Lack of privacy aside, there is no shortage of users on this platform. But when you’re constantly on the move, the sheer number of potential matches (all listed out for you) can be overwhelming. We had even less of a success on Happn than on Tinder or Hater.
We rate it:
2.5/5 BOOTYCALLS
Coffee Meets Bagel
Enthusiastically recommended by several of our friends, CMB gives you a limited of choices per day and makes you pay virtual currency every time you want to give someone a like, which is apparently to do away with the indiscriminate swiping and low quality matches people get on other apps. So much so for swiping right on everyone, boys.
As people with no concept of money or patience, we found it frustrating to have to wait 24 hours until we got our next allowance of Beans. Why wait when you can simply switch to another app in the meantime?
Another special feature we noticed is the chance to filter your options based on categories like ethnicity and religion and even educational degrees. Perfect for SPGs, CIty Harvest cell group leaders, or people are desperately trying to ensure that their children would be smart (#genetics #natureornurture).
All in all, for the zero weirdos we encountered on CMB over a week, we rate it:
4.5/5 BOOTYCALLS
Paktor
Hearing the name Paktor reminds us of the ah lians and ah bengs from our secondary school days, which naturally made us a little apprehensive about joining the app. Would I need to straighten my hair excessively and get colored highlights? Would the guys be flaunting their record-breaking long ass pinkie nail? Would someone eventually ask me if I “ai stead mai”?
Much like you, dear reader, we were already feeling the dating fatigue by this point in time. But this feature popped up and immediately intrigued us. Then we noticed the Go Premium feature after that...
Really Paktor until "bo lui".
You can also send fake gifts to people whose profile you really fancy. Because nothing else helps you express interest more than sending the dating app equivalent of a Farmville free cow.
Could it be the newest Michael Kors bag? New Birkenstocks? A blinged-out lighter?
The idea of Paktor is the same as Tinder except with a lamer name in an effort to really capture the Singaporean Single. It may not even be that unreasonable to suspect that Paktor may be a government initiative after all…
We rate Paktor:
2.5/5 BOOTYCALLS
In all seriousness, after a tiring week, we concluded that Tinder was indeed the reigning king of bootycalls. On a different scale with definitely less booty, Coffee Meets Bagel would be a good choice (now give me more Beans damnit).
If nothing works out for you, just remember:
