NUS Results Day: What Your CAP Says About You
And our free advice on what to do.
Okay, so you woke up this morning or afternoon, and it was just like any other day - you spent close to an hour in bed checking out memes on facebook (by the way if you like memes, then like our page; we’re freaking hilarious) and stalking that guy from that SunNUS bash on instagram. You were almost halfway through his instagram feed (by then, you were looking at his very unflattering secondary school photos from 2010) when a wild Whatsapp notification appeared and the sudden vibration almost made you accidentally like his photo.
“Eh you checked your results already?”
“Mum, what matters is that we have our health.”
You’d forgotten that it was results day. You felt your palms getting sweaty, your knees, weak and arms, heavy. And then it took you about 15 minutes of pacing around the room before you finally decided to log on to myISIS. And thus ends our very elaborate and unnecessarily specific imaginary scenario that somehow still managed to hit a little too close to home.
MyISIS. More inappropriate than last year's sex camps.
Based on your CAP, we’ve kindly provided professional advice on what you should do.
First Class
Who You Are: You’re like passengers flying First Class on an airplane, seated comfortably, fully reclined - literally everyone hates you. Like how other passengers are forced to walk past your huge ass seat with enough legroom for a giraffe, into cattle class, NUS publicly displays the names of deans-listers to remind the rest of us mortals of how under-achieving we are.
What You Should Do: If myISIS showed you straight As this morning, then we encourage you to really think about everything you have sacrificed to get those results - friends, fun, food(?), a personality, perhaps? Starting to feel a little empty on the inside? Good. You should.
Next semester is about 2 months away. Never too early to start.
Second Upper
Who You Are: You’re kinda like the middle class. Not privileged af, but not struggling either. You have the luxury of not really caring about uni and just going along with the flow during the semester. As long as you don’t get really shit groupmates for a 40% project, you should be well on your way to graduating with an advantage over your peers.
What You Should Do: You probably should just shut up and not ask anyone about their results. If you do, the First Class-ers will threaten your self-esteem, and those lower than you will label you as a “don’t study also do well one la” kinda student. Better to stay away from the drama and NUS Whispers.
Second Lower
Who You Are: Welcome to Mediocre Island. Population: friggin’ everyone.
You’re used to getting B+s, and As are basically double rainbows. You always like to think back on that A you got for Japanese 1 back in first year because you cheated the placement test system and destroyed all the first time learners with your decade-long study of the language, watching anime. “It was just Naruto what, I never learn much also…” You recently started binge-watching Narcos, hoping that maybe you can get another A before you graduate.
What You Should Do: We’d advise you to stop watching said shows and maybe try to secure a good internship before graduation instead. It’s 2017, grades aren’t all that matter anymore. Use the rest of your holidays wisely.
Talking about Crab Hot Pot. Didn't your LAJ1201 teach you this?
Anything Else Lower
Who You Are: To anyone who'd listen, your personal philosophy is "there's more to life than grades". In this realm, As are not just double rainbows. They're purple unicorns holding four-leaf clovers riding on said double rainbows. So you set out learning things like latte art and calligraphy instead, which take up most of your time, thus accounting for your sh*tty grades.You like to shout “F*** the system!” but ironically, it was the system that gave you the Fs. For you, a B stands for “better than a C la hor” and a C stands for “can’t say I’m surprised”. And unsurprisingly, all our writers here at The Bullet belong in this category.
What You Should Do: Check out this website!
From rag camp to riches.
And don't forget to stay positive! Remember when we said grades aren’t all that matter? We were kidding - they don’t matter at all. What employers care about is skills, you skillful little genius, you. There definitely exists some singular nook or cranny for you in the real world. If Grab drivers can earn $6000 a month, then literally anything is possible.
If all else fails, you can always come join The Bullet as a writer. *Cries in mediocre journalism*
Got an interesting story to share about your results or about happenings on campus? Let us know at thebulletcampus@gmail.com!
