So You Think You Can Intern?
A surefire routine to win the competition.
As we have predicted in our previous post, many ambitious students (like us) will embark on their internships, scurrying around town trying to look as important as they possibly can while collecting their boss’s dry-cleaning. The 10-week competition to be Singapore’s Next Top Intern has begun!
Out-walking your peers with some stunning choreography.
As many of you reach the halfway mark of your internships, us helpful souls at The Bullet would like remind you of certain things you HAVE to do, to create the illusion (or delusion) that your 10 weeks were well spent. Did you really complete an internship if you didn’t complete the following actions?
1) Update your LinkedIn, Instagram bio, and Facebook info before starting work
Ah, the simple times when preventing your boss from seeing a picture of you blackout drunk along the Singapore River was enough to stop sabotaging a job opportunity.
Attending a career fair once was enough to remind you to create a LinkedIn account. Finding a job through social media? Sounds too good to be true! You log on and proceed to add your friends, but not before falling into a hole of inferiority and insecurity when you realize you have almost NOTHING to add to your profile as compared to them. Skills? Awards? Scholarships? Endorsements? Recommendations? Still nothing? Okay. People posting philosophical epiphanies while walking along Raffles Place, and getting similarly deep and rhetorical responses? Piss off Daryl; you post videos of your fidget spinners on Facebook.
Career women.
How long has everyone been on LinkedIn without even breathing a word to you? Is this what growing up feels like? Damn, you feel the heat of the competition.
2) Post snaps or Instagram stories of how hard you’re working
When you’re at work, nothing particularly exciting usually happens, and this spells doom for your social media feed. How else to spice things up and remind everyone of your presence other than A FLATLAY OF YOUR DESKTOP!
Open up the most complicated looking excel sheets and run your SAP system in the background as well. Remember, the more windows you layer on your screen, the more busy and accomplished you will seem.
“I’m sorry, I have a million tasks to complete right now.”
3) Tell everyone you work near Raffles Place
Nothing screams “I’m an important person walking fast in the CBD because I have so many things to do” like a Boomerang of yourself enjoying a $7.50 flat white outside Chevron House. How busy can you possibly be? We all know you boomed at least 5 times to achieve that perfect Boomerang.
Eau de Armpite.
Similarly, continuous complaining about the human traffic at Raffles Place/Tanjong Pagar MRT drives home the point that you are on your way to a 70th floor office in the heart of the CBD. About 500 million other people also work near Raffles Place, but like other things that aren’t about you, you must disregard it anyway.
4) Bling out your resume
We can’t stress enough how important it is to keep your resume updated. No one wants to hear about how you washed two cars for charity back in 2007. “Proficient in Microsoft Word” is also a skill that puts you roughly on par with 10 year olds. Here are some suggested skills you could list to increase the word count on your resume, based on what you do:
Highly proficient in Microsoft Office (note: OFFICE, not word) - basically you know the shortcut key to putting borders on your excel spreadsheet
Proficient at Photoshop - You use Mei Tu Xiu Xiu
Highly adept at mastering new programs and technology - You help friends set up their Apple Pay so they can pay you back
Driven and determined person - Finishing all the food that you over-ordered
Passionate about music and dance! - Zouk is your studio
Love meeting new people! - You've been on 2 Tinder dates
Yes, I possess native proficiency in Chinese as well as native proficiency in lying.
5) (POST-INTERNSHIP CHECK) Post a series of photos taken with your colleagues in front of a company logo
Reaching the end of your internship doesn’t mean the competition is over. Being well-liked is important when you want to be the Best Intern. The best way to achieve this is to drag all your poor colleagues for a group photo, followed by individual shots with colleagues who are nice enough to humour you. This must definitely be accompanied by a long post about how much you have learnt and achieved during the 10 weeks, along with a short message of thanks to your mentors who will probably never see your post anyway.
How you feel after working for three months.
Anything we missed out on? Any interesting stories from your internships? Let us know at thebulletcampus@gmail.com!
