The Definitive Guide To The Raddest 21st Birthday Party
All I want for my birthday is to keep my Instagram alive.
Here at The Bullet, we recognize that birthday celebrations are tremendously important. It is a commemoration of the anniversary of you slipping out of your mother's genitals, amniotic fluid and all; a self-congratulatory pat on the back for participating in the Earth's obligatory annual voyage around the Sun. Ironically, it is also the day where you demand that the world revolves around you. And which other birthday is more momentous than one's coming of age at the arbitrary age of 21? After all, everyone's showcasing their extravagant parties on social media, each one more lavish than the last. Therein lies the pressure to celebrate it with aplomb, all while commiserating on the fact that life does not get any better from here on. Is pink a too politically-charged colour to use for the theme? What's the perfect way to make sure that the ice cream cake doesn't melt in this infernal weather? Is there such a thing as too many balloon decorations? We hear you and your valid concerns. Because we know that it is a stressful time when planning your twenty-first, us good ol' folks have taken the time to compile a guide to walk you through the planning process and to banish this first-world problem. For this we will utilize the rather elegant 5W1H method (patent pending) to organize your very special event (who said that secondary school knowledge is irrelevant to real life?). The Why, How, Who, What, When, and Where for Birthdays
I hope the International Olympic Committee doesn’t sue us.
Why?
Every plan needs a compelling motivation. Why is it important to have a 21st birthday bash? Because it has been the norm for every young adult here since the days of yore. Because the awkward interactions and the unjustified expenses don't matter as long as you can convince yourself that this is fun. Because if you didn't celebrate your 21st, are you really 21 yet?
Don’t forget, it is the only appropriate time to demand for money and gifts.
How?
All this madness requires a method to it. You'll need substantial financial backing for this gargantuan event. Time to grovel for money from your parents to fund a party that they'll stand awkwardly in some corner until you need a stand-in photographer. They will then spend the remainder of the party figuring out what the hell a dab is and why your friends do it in every picture. Remember, it's okay as long as you show your appreciation through a slightly lengthy dedication on Instagram. #familyvalues
You'll also definitely need some extra hands to execute your grand plans. If you've got yourself a significant other, then lucky you. There's your pro-boner assistant (I'm sorry that this pun does not work if your relationship does not comprise of a morsel of the male genitalia. Don't sue us). If you're sorely lacking in the relationship department, you'll need solid material to blackmail your friend(s) into becoming your birthday minion(s). Look, if you have no friends, who is your party for anyway? Who?
Now is the appropriate moment to segue to the next concern -who should you invite to your birthday bash? Start listing all the people you know. When you start listing people like that guy at the bus stop who accidentally winked at you when sand got into his eye, and that girl from hall whose name you’ve gotten wrong for the fourth time this semester, that is when you know when you're scraping the bottom of the barrel. And your mate from that project worth 5% during your 1k module eons ago? Why not, she seems, well, like, uhhh, a person. And don't you forget inviting at least one DSLR owner who will be able to provide free photography services, you rookie. What?
But what exactly should a twenty-first birthday party look like? It has to be special of course, and here is what you need to have in order to stand out from other mediocre parties: 1) Theme work makes the dream work. Just remember to be cautious when appropriating other cultures in this day and age. Just because you like feathers and dream catchers, you should still have reservations about having a Native American-but-I'm-not-trivialising-their-culture-oh-no-SJWs-are-coming-after-me themed evening. Also, enforce a strict dress code so that you can strut out in a gold number and stand from your plebeian friends decked in white. Who’s the special snowflake? You are!
2) What's the point of having a wall if you do not have a themed backdrop (cf. 1))? This also serves as a photo booth. the most efficient way to for your friends to commemorate this special event and to help them remember which party this was when they chance upon the pictures on instagram 3 years later? (READ: Dedicate a contrived lengthy birthday post on Instagram)
You may know how to rock black and gold but your apostrophe game is weak.
3) Don't you dare forget the helium aluminum balloons shaped like numerical digits. A perfect metaphor for your birthday, i.e. Deflated and chucked aside without anyone caring after a couple of days (also a fitting analogy of all my prior relationships). 4) Baked goods are always a welcome treat. Forget about spending a fortune on those overpriced upscale pâtisseries. Be your own pastry chef and dish out some fabulous brownies and macarons. Do make sure your guests sign an indemnity form prior to absolve you from any liability to their bouts of diarrhea. 5) Party favours should be relevant to the current trends. With that in mind, a vape shaped like a fidget spinner adorned with fairy lights thrown inside a piping hot pot of Korean army stew should do the trick.
This author is also a Photoshop master.
When?
This is one date you sad singles can probably get. Top tip: it is socially permitted to move your party within 30 days before your actual birthday. Any date before this threshold makes one seems like the entitled millennial that you really are. We wouldn't want our friends to be mean to you, would we? And of course it must be before your birthday; how else will the said friends post their contrived dedications on Instagram? Where?
Despite being a small island with a measly land area of only 719.1 square kilometres, Singapore offers a wide selection of venues to host the biggest day of your life (we're assuming that you won't get married and have children; and considering the low birth rates and our Victorian mindsets of a "proper family nucleus", it's a fair assumption. But I digress). Take your pick at the array of unique and totally-not-generic chalets/restaurants/condominium clubhouses/nightclubs/staycation hotels on offer. Lucky you.
So there you have it, you now have no reason not to plan a 21st birthday party anymore. Unless of course, your birthday happens to fall on the exam period, then just spare everyone the trouble and celebrate it at home with a small cake from Prima Deli*.
This article is not sponsored by Prima Deli; although, if anyone from Prima Deli is reading this, please do consider us. I have a birthday party coming up and I need an ice cream cake. Any interesting stories from on campus to share? Let us know at thebulletcampus@gmail.com!
